hallo and welcome!

I'm graduating on Wednesday. I shall be able to write BSc (Psyc)(Hons) after my name. Because I have no solid plans for the near future, I am feeling a bit like I did when I left school, drifting slightly. Its not altogether a bad feeling, just a little stressful. I like to have plans, I find them comforting.

I don't really want to go to my graduation, because they're boring, and all my friends were in a different ceremony (because they did the degree through Psyc Science, and I did it through Science), and because I didn't get first class honours. Which is a ridiculous reason to be reluctant, because I got class IIA, (1.01% below first class... so close!) and I am very happy with that, it's far better than I was expecting!

Oh I am so glad this year is over. Its taken me months to catch up on my sleep after uni, and especially my thesis. I NEVER want to write a thesis again. Every now and then I realise that it's over, and it is such a lovely feeling of relief. Like waking up from a nightmare and realising that it wasn't real, and that it's over.

so, holidays! (kinda- still working lots)

This is going to be a summer of picnics. I have already had two this week, and eaten far too much cheese. There shall be picnics by the river, impromptu picnics, friday after-work picnics, cheese and wine picnics, moon watching picnics, tipsy picnics....

Here is a (short) list of my favourite places to go present shopping. (I'm doing an ethical christmas)

Oxfam - of course! beautiful gifts and toys and chocolates many more, and unwrapped gifts, where you send a goat, toilet, chickens, fish, teacher training, HIV education kits overseas, where its needed, on behalf of the recipient of your gift! (http://www.oxfamunwrapped.com.au)

come into Indooroopilly on Tuesday afternoons and most likely I will be wrapping the presents.

Biome - Awesome shop dedicated to environmentally friendly alternatives to beauty and luxury products, homewares, cleaning products (no toxins!) and gifts- lots of recycled, lots of organic! Corner of Latrobe and Given Tce, Paddington.

The Museum of Brisbane shop- its all brisbane designed and made.

And, I'm also buying DVD's for people, from the ABC shop. Which doesnt fit with my theme really, but is just fun.

Christmas is really the only time when I get to spend a lot of money at once, and not feel guilty about it. I hate that I have this consumer drive, and most of the time I supress it well (for example, I havent bought any sweatshop clothes, or really any clothes, since I made the decision not to, and I think that was in march), but I just love presents!

summer!

so.... four and a half days to go! and I have a stupidly huge amount of work to do on my thesis. people keep trying to reassure me and tell me it will all get done... I do not really know. I dont think I can work any harder! aaaaaaaargh! no, no, I can do it. its only friday. wednesday is still a while away.

I was overly ambitious when designing this project, I think. ugh honours is hard.

yeah, so this is why I never post anything anymore, because all I can talk about is thesis.

I'm pretty much the definition of an emotional rollercoaster right now. sleep deprived, touchy, jumpy, irritable, but with occaisional bursts of optimism and remembering that it will all be over soon. And then I will come out and engage with the world again. after sleeping a LOT.

In a burst of self control I deleted all the card games from my computer. this is because I really dont have time to play spider solitaire, and it was becoming almost a compulsion. I really miss them though. how sad.

On that note, hopefully this will be the last friday night that I will be working at the computer til two in the morning for a while! ahhhhh this time next week... I will probably be drunk. possibly very drunk, since I havent had more than 2 glasses of wine at a time for months. And I will be drinking more than two glasses of wine. yes, yes I will.

that reminds me, I seem to have developed a strange wine allergy. tonight half a glass made me go bright red and itchy (especially my nose). it was hot!

ok. back to work. yes. since I seem to be rambling on... procrastination is not good. especially not now...

come on, tired little brain. just a little bit more...

So, it’s almost the end of August, and my thesis is due in less than two months. I have been feeling surprisingly ok about honours. I have only had patches of feeling like I can’t do it, and wanting to quit. But I think my stress is coming out in new and fun ways. I keep having dreams about working on uni things. When I was doing my statistics class last semester I dreamt about numbers… not adding up! I couldn’t get them to work! Then I had a dream about researching, where I was trying to read a computer screen of articles, but the screen was black with grey writing, and it was really hard and distressing and I couldn’t understand them. I think I actually woke up in a sweat after that one.
Last night, I don’t even remember the dream, but, half asleep, at 1:30 in the morning, I got out of bed and turned on the computer, before waking up properly and realising that whatever it was that was so important it needed to be done RIGHT AWAY was in my dream, and I could no longer remember it.

Maybe I should be doing some meditating or something. any stress relief tips would be welcome.

and something completely different, I think its spring! how exciting!

I have been thinking a lot lately, about the purpose of psychology. This was triggered by the introductory lecture from my “Applied Social Psychology” course, where Social Psyc was defined as “the application of social psychology methods, theories, principles or research findings to understanding or solution of social problems”. (Oskamp and Schultz, 1998). This is new, in that it has a focus on SOLUTIONS FOR PROBLEMS. Lots of science has this as an end aim, but lots of science also just wants to understand things, just wants knowledge for its own sake, or to aid in further research which may have a practical application way down the track.
And it made me start thinking about the reasons I started this degree. These were (1) to learn how to help people better, (2) to try and understand how the mind works- and therefore understand more of the world, and why it is the way it is. After four years, its still an exciting area to be studying, and I have gained some (very little in the scheme of things) knowledge…. But I guess it was extremely naïve and ambitious to think that I would have gained… you know, a handle on the whys and hows of humanity. I like being ridiculously ambitious and optimistic though. I will never run out of goals. But I think the first reason for my degree was the most important, and so I have to anchor my ambitions with this goal in mind.
Anyway, back to the purpose of psychology. I think it should be used to help people more. All this knowledge, and not enough application. And there is important stuff out there, which is useful for everyone!
I will use as an example, one of my favourite rant topics.

The use of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy as a Mental Health First Aid Kit.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is effective for many people suffering from mental illness, especially depression, anxiety, some eating disorders, and lots of other problems (there are lots of studies and empirical evidence for this). And a lot of it is extremely simple. It involves exercises that people can do all the time and some education about the ways that peoples thoughts, emotions and behaviours/physiological reactions all interact with each other (a good example of this is in anxiety, where people can think an anxious thought, which starts their heart beating faster, which makes them think more anxious thoughts, and they start feeling panicky, and it all escalates). The exercises include relaxation techniques, which, coupled with knowledge and a lot of practice, can be used to break cycles leading to panic etc. There are also some cognitive techniques, to teach people to challenge thoughts that are unhelpful, and sometimes irrational (and we all have them). It is a very empowering therapy, trying to help people gain more control and knowledge over their own lives.
Sometimes people need the actual therapy to help them deal with problems, and work through the material with someone to guide them. The actual therapeutic relationship is incredibly important. But I think everyone would benefit by having some information about the way these problems develop, ways they can be dealt with, and ways in which their mind works! Lots of people deal with mild anxiety and depression, right up to serious versions and other problems, on their own. I think if people had access to more information and self knowledge, a lot of pain could be avoided, and some serious problems could be stopped before they got bad.
(oh dear, I sound like a self help book).
So there we go, my lecture for today. I will continue to work on this topic, I think. Do some research. Hey, I could be ranting along without realising that in the 4 and a half years since I left highschool they have introduced a psychoeducation class. That would be awesome.
Next step… what can I actually DO (not much as a lowly undergrad). Suggestions welcome!
And if anyone is interested, I can give more information, or places where more information can be found. Email a.cooke@psy.uq.edu.au
Thesis stuff is going ok…. data entry ditto…. I want a holiday, my brain hurts.
Sorry for the mammoth post!

so... my hair matches my eyebrows now.



Maybe I should let the darker side of my personality out now, I've been blonde for a long time. I feel a bit witchy, especially holding my evil cat. His name is Pants.

Last week was a pretty bad week. Got very overwhelmed by too many things to be doing and some bad luck. I don't handle stress well at all. I fell right back into my old anxious ways, and was pretty horrible for a few days. But now I'm getting on top of it, and feel so much better. Also making me feel better is that I got my badge machine out and actually did something creative for the first time in months. Yay!

Also, my camera's not broken! I thought it was, but the batteries were just dead! Derrrr. Good thing I thought of that before I took it to be repaired. How embarrassing.

I did lose my phone though. But that will be good for me, I think. For a little while

I have had about fifty participants send me back questionnaires! My thesis data is looking ok. Thats still only half way, but its getting there. (Thanks everyone!)

I just spent two and a half hours on data entry for my thesis project. two and a half boring hours of typing in number after number. It takes a lot of concentration, and its painfully slow.
AND IT DIDNT SAVE!
so I went back and did one of the cases again, saving after every set of numbers. and it said it was saving....
BUT IT WASNT!
when I went back to it, NONE OF MY WORK FROM TODAY WAS THERE.

So I went outside to take some deep breaths, but I started hyperventilating, so I went to get a coffee. with lots of sugar.

sometimes the computers in our labs are like that. you can do some things on one computer, but not on the computer next to it. And I'm not computer literate enough to know how to fix it, or whatever I'm doing wrong.

I want to live in a commune/mountain retreat where all I have to do is garden my veges and make clothes and toys for myself and loved ones when i feel like it. I like making things. when something goes wrong, you understand it.

I think thats enough work for today!

In other news.... Britt's back! Brisbane is once again the home of one of my best best friends.

you know whats really, really fun?
Riding a bicycle.
Since I lost my bet about the number of wheels a tandem bicycle has (I thought they had three, and so should REALLY be called tricycles), I've been a little bitter about cycles. But now I am reinspired. The wind in your hair, that carefree feeling of childhood... I'm really unfit though, my legs are shaky after half an hour today. It is another thing from my goals list though, my aim is to get fit enough to ride to uni sometimes.
I'm a little panicy about thesis stuff and the metre long to do list that I have. I have to have half of it written by mid july. which is soon.

I'm going to go and make a cake now... here is a photo of my totally hot cousin dressed as a pilot.

I'm giving myself a couple of days off, because my assignments are in. whew.

new ambitions-
1. to be an angry/concerned letter writer. (might start with amnesty international)
2. to ask why? more. (why is the brisbane river so brown? do you know?) I asked why my face gets really flushed after drinking less than a glass of wine, and apparently its because my liver doesnt cope so well with the preservatives (and the alcohol, presumably).
3. to give up sugar (for a little while). apparently it helps with your energy.

still working on my last goals, I havent bought any clothes, so its easy not to buy sweatshop clothes, and I only slipped once with the fairtrade coffee, but that was when i had to go to uni at 8am on my birthday. I still havent touched my bike, or the garden yet. getting to it! I'm very excited about winter holidays.

apart from the assignments breathing down my neck, I had a very lovely birthday, and from my first week of being 22, I think its going to be a good (busy) year.


cake!

EDIT- I'm not angry/concerned about amnesty international... I'm going to write letters from their information. you knew what I meant.

ethics approval! ethics approval! ethics approval!

soon I shall start harrassing people to be in my study
mwah ha ha ha ha! (evil scientist laugh)
no, its actually quite easy, only a questionnaire. and a nice one, no tricky questions.

I have some new goals. This is a short sample, I intend to add more, as I do more research.

1. Replant my vegie garden. It was going quite well until I went away for 6 weeks over the summer. Even if it ends up being beans, tomatoes and pumpkins again, that’s a start. And I want parsley. I need more green leafy things to eat, that I like.
2. Water this garden with saved water- not grey water, which goes onto the non-edible part of the garden, but the water we rinse veges and plates in, bathwater, and shower water (collected in a bucket in the shower).
3. Do that thing where you put a heavy object in the cistern of your toilet so it doesn’t use as much water per flush.
4. Get new tires for my old bike, and start using it. Cut out some of the car trips.
5. Not buy any sweatshop clothes this year. Pretty easy since I have no money, so op-shops, local made at the markets and making my own is a better alternative. But hard, because I love clothes. I’ll see how I go.
6. Only drink fairtrade tea and coffee (available from Oxfam stores, and Biome in Paddington has Montville coffee- local, even better!). Hmmm. I mostly drink coffee at uni, when I’m falling asleep. So will have to find an alternative wake up strategy. Maybe chocolate covered coffee beans! They have those at Oxfam too.
7. Research rainwater tanks and harrass my parents into getting one. there is a council rebate, so hopefully it wont be too expensive. Possibly solar panels, too, though that might have to wait a while.
8. Try to cut out plastic products. Looking for less packaging when shopping. I’m going to try for no plastic bags too. Buy recycleable/recycled products where possible. And organic.
9. Finish reading “the sacred balance” by David Suzuki. I’ve started it before, but it makes me sad. And do more reading about environmental issues, generally.
10. Double sided printing, and recycling all my old paper. I’ve started making jewellery out of it.

Oh so many more things to do! My main goal is to have some of these become automatic, so I never even think of doing things any other way.

And now I have told you about them, its just one more reason to stick to it. Yay! I feel better already. I’m going to go do some gardening. this is really good procrastination.

as usual, this is being written on a break from an assignment. Statistics. But I feel a lot better than when I last posted, because I actually made it to see some people I have been neglecting on the weekend (and I woke up to the fact that I HAD NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT. this happened when my friend susan said to me "just cheer up!" and I snapped out of my temporary gloom. sometimes I need a little help like that.)

And I went to see Sigur ros! and Amina! I had forgotten about it, except in a vague way, so it was a lovely surprise. Not quite as intense as last time (no fainting friends), but still incredible. Amina are so gorgeous.

I was in one of those not coherent hangover states on saturday (mostly from the good friday dilemma of only having undrinkable, unmixable alcohols around and no open bottle shops, resulting in drinking brandy mixed with ribena- ribrandy!) and I just kept saying things, long after i ran out of relevant, interesting things to say. I could hear myself doing this, but not stop it. (in particular, Liberty, I felt very stupid when I saw you at Rics. and you just wanted to sit and drink your coffee... argh. It was great to see you though!)

I have managed to do the only thing I had planned for my mid-semester "break", which was go to the art gallery. It had its usual effect, I wanted to go home and paint. and make wood blocks. Margaret Preston in particular, made me want to look at the world like an artist does, which I think, can come to everyone with time and practice, and almost meditating on the things around you. really SEEING! the details, the intensity! or, for others, the bigger context, connections, meanings! I've always liked the details though.

creative side still on hold, temporarily (for the next few hours). back to stats...

Its cold(er)! blankets! hot chocolate! not sweating through clothes! This is my absolute favourite time of year.
I bought new lip balm that tastes exactly like winters in high school. Makes me think of art classes and sitting in the sun in a big huddle of red and blue jumpers, black stockings. Fortunately my memory of high school is very rose-tinted, I know I was unhappy, but cannot really remember it (or why).

Its cold enough that I am wearing my study overalls (I wear them when I really have to get stuck into study. They make me feel more serious, workmanlike) and I am studying. Late on a sunday night. and guess what! this is what I did on friday, and saturday nights (and days) too! booo to that. I'm getting old. I used to go out drinking at least twice a week and go to the markets and still get good marks.
I have to say, this semester, I miss my friends. Most nights I'm too tired even to call anyone, and I have heaps of work I should be doing anyway. And they might invite me to do something, which I would probably not make it to, making both of us feel a little bad. So if I've been letting you down, I'm sorry, I do love you.

I keep having daydreams (fantasies even) at work, about quitting. The new manager calls me up on something small, I've left a dirty glass in a room, or taken too long to clean the bathrooms and I say "Yeah, well this job really isnt very important to me, I only stay because its mindless and I didnt want to leave Rupert and Gloria in the lurch, but you're rude and unpleasant to work with and I dont get paid enough to put up with your shit. Good luck finding anyone who'll put up with irregular pay, the hideous uniform, incompetent managers, and sleazy guests, and good luck finding anyone who'll work as fast as me and stick around for more than a few weeks." Then I walk out triumphantly, never to return. SO THERE.

But I need the money, so I wont actually quit. probably healthier to stop thinking about it.

I've been at uni for a long time. Trying to finalise my research questionnaire. too much coffee. not enough sunlight.

keep having to stop myself from singing random words inserted into the batman theme- as in
na-na na-na na-na na-na, na-na na-na na-na na-na, MUSH-ROOMS!
na-na na-na na-na na-na, na-na na-na na-na na-na, BACK-PACK!
na-na na-na na-na na-na, na-na na-na na-na na-na, E-MAIL!

I cannot even think of interesting words to use. Its just whatever I see, that has two syllables (the mushrooms were in the lasagne I had for lunch)

I think you may understand better if you try it. go on.

na-na na-na na-na na-na,na-na na-na na-na na-na, BAT-MAN!

Uni is very full on at the moment. I am quite stressed and grumpy. So here is a cheer up post, with some lovely things.

This is a T-shirt Thom bought me in san francisco. The fish are hooked on a book with the page w-is for worm!

This is Thom. He looks grumpy when he sleeps, but he isnt normally grumpy.

The sunrise over the clouds that I saw when I was flying into Australia.

and my last cheer up thing is that I have knitting circle at 2pm after my lecture! Yay! I am making a grey cardigan, ready for winter. So far its Sophie, Susan and I, but if anyone else is around UQ on Thursday afternoons and would like to come, that would be awesome. I could even give lessons.

I stood on a snake yesterday. It was pretty scary, though it didnt bite me, and I'm sure it was just as scared as I was, judging from how fast it disappeared, after it freaked out and tried to wriggle past my foot. This was when I had lifted my foot to see what I'd stood on. Then I jumped REALLY high. I was only wearing thongs, so its a good thing it didnt bite. I dont think it was a poisonous snake anyway. It was just a little one, and greeny-yellow, not brown.

How bloody Australian is that moment? The thongs were those old horrible coles ones, too, with the white bottom and blue straps. AND I was wearing stubbies, just to make it even more bogan (they are bright green, which saves them a little. And the rest of me was not dressed like a bogan).

Sometimes I sit in the SS+H library at uni, in the banks of desks and think about all the thinking that is going on. So many people reading and learning. So many little brains throbbing away, absorbing and slightly changing with the information. I hope they do good things with their knowledge. I hope its satisfying and enlightening.

this is my favourite phrase read today: "our teeth erupt at a late age"

Scientists sometimes have such a way with words.

Its from an article about the evolution of adult attachments (emotional bonds between romantic parnters), discussing related factors, one of which is that humans take so long to grow up, are helpless for so long at the beginning of their lives, that it is functional for fathers to be involved in the upbringing (help provide food, safety and other support), and therefore it is functional for parents to spend a lot of time together, and enjoy it.

And that is a very very simplified view of love.

My new years resolution for this year is to hug more. Specifically my family, but just more hugs in general, too. Progress so far is not so good. We are not a huggy family. I really like my space, and when I'm feeling stressed and delicate (and need hugs the most), is when I am most standoffish. But I will break through this. You can help by hugging me too. thanks.

I am thinking about cutting all my hair off. This is not a good sign, really. I will have to hide the scissors so I don't make an emotionally charged snap decision. Unless it is really needed. Sometimes it is.

oooh, I have a spiffy new psyc department email, a.cooke@psy.uq.edu.au yay!

I have decided that there is no time for the markets this year, what with honours, working (various jobs), seeing important people and sleeping, so if (for those that know my stuff) you want any badges etc, you can email me at the above address. I will still be making things, because that is what keeps me happy and balanced, just not selling them, except occasionally.

I am home. and somewhat awake. I think soon I wont be able to use jet-lag as an excuse for how tired I am, its been more than a week now.

Back at uni, very unprepared. I have my honours supervisor, Valerie Stone! Who is one of my favourite lecturers, and I will be raving about evolutionary perspectives in psychology a lot, be warned. until I get really stressed, then I will grumble. At the moment I am excited, though.

Yay for Brisbane! hope to see you all soon.

ahhh hello. sorry I have been so slack at updating, here we go with a catch-up.

Last weekend Britt and I went to see Ben Lee in Glasgow, which was really lovely. He's so sincere and dorky and the poppy songs are so catchy, I had a great time. Completely won over. Even the too cool for school Glasgow hipsters got into it, clapping along and everything. It was all very cute.

The next day I caught the bus up to the highlands, to go and stay with my Mum's aunt Helen, uncle Jack and cousin Jenny in Elgin, and was looked after so well! Cathedrals and Castles and Mum's cousin Gillian and Alastair drove me to Aberdeen, where mum was born (this was the day my bag broke, I only took my camera, and so didnt have my address book, so took a photo of me outside the house NEXT DOOR to where mum lived for her first 8 years...derrr.)and we went to the beach, and to where my grandfather lived, and where my grandmother used to work, and lots of other family history spots. And I got to see my great uncle Harry briefly before catching my bus back to Edinburgh, which was also fantastic, I hadn't seen him since I was one ('my, havent you grown!').

I think the highlands have definitely been a highlight of my trip, I am now planning (in daydreams) a summer camping holiday, with time to hike and explore. and see more lochs. I got a good driving tour in the couple of days I was there, but its so beautiful, it deserves more than that. And I definitely want to stay longer with Helen, Jack, Jenny, Gillian and Alastair!

Then back to Edinburgh, where the weather was so good, and the city so beautiful, that it was painful to leave. Britt and I had a lovely dinner date at the best vegetarian restaurant I've ever been to, I drank all the scottish drinks Britt wanted me to try, had some gorgeous walks with the children Britt looks after, and generally a fantastic time.

But I had to leave, to come to london to see Belle and Sebastian! with Bit and Chris and Virginia on Friday night. very good. favourite band. so much dancing. yep.

And Britt, Tash! (yay, Tash! so glad I got to see her too), and I spent yesterday in Blackheath -a tiny village which doesnt feel like London at all, staying with Britts mum, who took us to greenwich across the heath, and bought us fruli (yum fruli -remember, strawberry beer).

and now I am in Camden, to stay with Bit for my last night. Its raining a lot, fitting weather to say goodbye to London. I have £15 pounds left, which will get me to heathrow and maybe buy a sandwich too, and then I will see you all on wednesday! well, not really, maybe a little while after that, because I will be sleeping for a long time.

goodbyes are terrible, so I wont do them. not right now, anyway. but thank you Britt.

Britt and I are back in Edinburgh, almost a week late, after a couple of very relaxing recovery days with Britts mum in Blackheath, a gorgeous village just south of London. So much hysterical bus riding yesterday, almost 12 hours in fact, being reminded again and again why I love Britt so much, with her eggshaker, and dancing and mouthing the words to ben lee when the rest of the bus is listening to sting, making very scary faces at people who actually sing on buses, harrassing innocent canadian backpackers. I think she's feeling better. yay!

Edinburgh feels like its entering spring today, there are people walking around in jumpers, WITHOUT COATS! Its such a beatiful day, I went for a three hour ramble around the streets and paths and up Calton hill, to see the tower and columns, photos of which I will post soon.